You hear that someone you have known for a long time has said or done something that hurts you deeply. How do you respond?
A. Cut them off. If you don’t
protect yourself, who will?
B. Confront them and tell them
how you feel.
C. Hurt them back. Sometimes someone
doesn’t know what’s up unless they get the same thing.
D. Go to the source and check
it out first. Find out if what you heard is what happened. If you find
they are still responsible for doing or saying something that hurt you
then be honest about what you feel.
If A. was your response, then please be careful. What kind of world would we have if looking out for ourselves is our first objective? We’ll enter every conflict with winning in mind rather than understanding. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve watched two people, who truly care for each other, rip each other apart because they can’t listen to see why the other person hurts. Many times, hurtful acts come from wounded people. If we approach with compassion and listening we can often end the negative behavior. If we all look out for each other there will be no one left out of our concern.
If
B. was your choice, then telling them how you feel is awesome -- but
listen for their feelings, too. We need to be honest but if we’re
on the offensive, no one will be listening. There’s a good chance
if we listen first the understanding we get will already change how we
feel. What’s still left to share will find a more listening ear because
they’ve been heard first.
If C. is your response, you may find yourself alone someday. Getting even on a large scale is at the core of so many conflicts. Getting even quickly becomes getting ahead, and soon no one is left standing. If someone has done something that just doesn’t make sense then it may be because we don’t know what led up to it. Yes, forgiveness can be hard, but holding onto the anger, and letting it grow into vengeance, does more to destroy ourselves then the object of our vengeance. Don’t become what you disdain. If you give them back what they gave you, then are you any better than them?
D. Getting everything straight can make a difference. Sirach 6:5-17 is right on target with helping us decide the difference between a trusted friend and a acquaintence. In part, it says, “A faithful friend is beyond price, no sum can balance his worth.” If this is someone that has proven to be a good friend for a long time, then you have to check it out first. And if they have done something that hurt you, you have to look at the years of friendship first. Healing starts with forgiveness. Sometimes, relationships do change but making peace, regardless of how close we remain, is good for your own soul.
A true story of how mercy and forgiveness can change someone's life
“Blessed are the merciful” implies forgiveness, and that can be tough. It can be so hard to do, yet if we don’t forgive, who’s worse off because of it? There has never been a more important time to learn to be merciful. It starts by recognizing we’re not perfect either. Let me close by sharing a true story:
Shortly after I came home from camp my senior year in high school, I had someone ask me a question at work. The months that followed camp was a time in which I had changed a lot. I was excited about my faith and my relationship with Christ and many people noticed the change. While on a meal break a work, with about a dozen co-workers, I began to get peppered with questions about what happened to me. In the midst of this group one young lady my age asked if I could go out with a girl with a “loose reputation.” I can still picture her face when she asked. True or not, this was a reputation she had. The room went silent fast.
That week I had read the parable in Matthew’s Gospel about the unforgiving servant. (Matthew 18:21-34) In that parable a man is forgiven a large debt by his master. He goes off and runs into a fellow servant that owes him a small debt but he would not forgive this person. The master hears of this and calls him to account because he would not forgive the small debt of another person when he had been forgiven so much. After sharing the parable I simply asked, “Who am I to judge another when God has forgiven me?”
I know later on this young lady came back to her faith. I praise God for that and ask that we all keep in mind what a difference forgiveness and mercy can make in this world.
Also, remember the passage from Sirach. There is wisdom there. A close friend does have to be someone we trust, but also a true friendship cannot last without mercy. Peace!
Love in Jesus,
Pat Rinker
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