Reality Check:
I had a paper route when I was in middle school that I inherited from
my older brother. On the route was a wise judge who taught my brother
many things, and even served as his catechist. Our father had died a few
years earlier, so the judge took on the role of mentor with my brother.
One thing he said, as my brother recalled, was that a 16-year-old teenager
will see himself as 18 and his parents will see him as 14.
What happens when you and your parents
disagree over what you can and cannot do, curfew, dating, where you can
go, how much you can do?
A. You don’t care what your parents think. You feel it’s
your life so you do what you want despite them.
B. You know they are wiser and experienced, so no matter what you
think, you submit quietly.
C. You get angry, because you don’t want to be controlled.
You yell, slam doors and if your parents tell you that you can’t
do something, you do it twice as much.
D. You recognize they are your parents, so you respectfully ask,
"Why?" You tell them why you think the way you do. You listen
and state what you feel, but in the end, you respect their wishes.
Analysis:
A. In this response you would be right in saying it’s your life
but wrong in thinking that your actions only affect you. We all live
in this world together, so every action has a consequence that affects
those around you. If you smoke, the secondhand smoke can give cancer to
the person next to you. If you scream, my ears hurt. Even if it is your
life, it is our world that we live in together. Thinking of your
life in terms of yourself will lead to a great deal of conflict in every
living situation you will ever be in -- roommates in college, teammates,
co-workers, etc. If you act without regard to your parents you have put
up a wall between you and the people who love you more than anyone else
in this world. Not a good move.
B. Well, they are older and wiser but they need to hear you in order
to help you deal with the concerns and questions that are inside of you.
If you go into a doctor’s office, he’s going to ask you
where it hurts. We learn and grow by asking questions, seeking understanding.
Your parents need to raise you in order for you to become an adult. Silent
submission leaves us in childhood. In order for you to grow, you must
question, but you must also be smart enough to listen. If you are struggling
in math and you ask your teacher for help, but then continue to do the
math your own way, guess what. You flunk anyway.
C. Do I really need to say anything about this one? Let me share one
thought, though. We often are at our worst with the people we know
will love us no matter how ridiculous we act. I’ve seen it so many
times. If our friends dropped in at that time we were acting out the worst
with our parents we would often be embarrassed. We wouldn’t want
to be that uncool in front of our friends. The question that comes to
mind is, if deep down we know that our parents love us so much then don’t
they deserve our respect rather then our angriest behavior?
D. Silent compliance leads to eternal childishness. Any two people,
who are totally honest with each other, will disagree. We all see
things from a different perspective. It’s also the totally honest
people who experience the kind of relationships marked by true concern
and love. It’s okay to question mom and dad. Do it respectfully.
Let them know you love them. Show them you respect them by listening.
Ask for what you believe is right. Obey them when it is done. It doesn’t
matter how much you think your friends care about you. No one loves you
more than your parents do. And it’s not just about who understands
you. If you are truly communicating with your parents, they will understand
you better and hopefully you will understand them better, too.
Be yourself, but be yourself with them. In 1 Corinthians 12, the Church
is compared to a body. The hand cannot say to the foot, "I do not
need you." We do need each other, whether we admit it or not. The
fourth commandment is the first to carry with it a promise, "Honor
your father and mother, as the Lord, your God, has commanded you, that
you may have a long life and prosperity in the land which the Lord, your
God, is giving you." (Deut 5:16) They are the ones that will be there
after high school, college, marriage, children and for years to come.
Peace!
Love in Jesus,
Pat Rinker
Pat Rinker is the director of youth ministry in the Diocese of Lansing
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