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What's Up With that
5 Steps to Peaceful Relationships
By Rod Hetherton

Do you find that your relationships are always filled with misunderstandings and miscommunication? Are your friends often telling you things like: "I didn’t know you felt that way." or "I wish you would let me know what you are thinking?"

Here are five easy steps for healthy communication and peaceful relationships: ask, listen, thank, think and follow-up.

Ask

It is important to find out what people are really thinking and feeling. Your friends probably don’t wake up in the morning thinking about how they are going to share valuable information concerning how they are truly feeling or what they are in fact thinking. And when friends do share their thoughts, you may not have "heard" what they were actually saying.

So, be blunt. Get to the bottom of it. Let them know that their opinion matters and that you would like some feedback. Ask them how they feel.

Listen

Sounds simple, right? We all know how to listen. Or do we?

This could be one of the most challenging steps in communication. The most important part about listening is to "zip it up." Take the time to really hear what the other person is saying, paying close attention to body language and facial expressions. Often this is where you can receive valuable information about what your friends are trying to tell you.

Let them tell you. Do you have one of those friends who seems to know you better than you know yourself? If that is the case, don’t get so defensive when they are trying to tell you something. You will often miss the most important part of good feedback when you are too busy trying to defend yourself.

Thank

You have asked your friend for their thoughts. You have actively listened to those thoughts. Now what? Say "thank you."

Maybe you liked what they said -- maybe you didn’t. Regardless of how you felt about the feedback, you need to let the other person know that you appreciated their input. It will make them feel like their time was worthwhile and will help them be more open in the future.

Think

Now it is time to do something with all this information. Take the time to process what you heard and internalize it. Maybe it really fits, or maybe you just want to take bits and pieces of what you heard. Hopefully you will be able to take the feedback and grow from it.

Be careful not to dwell on it, though. That could mess up this important step. Dwelling is not thinking. Dwelling is worrying, fretting, and obsessing. Try not to justify and defend.

Just think about it.

Follow-Up

The final step in healthy communication and peaceful relationships is to follow-up. This would be the "action" step. Take what you learned and do something with it. Here you have to be willing to grow and move forward. Don’t just stand their -- do something.

This will also have a great impact on your relationships because your friends will see that their input really did make a difference. Your actions will be speaking for themselves. And this new healthy cycle of communication can continue to repeat as you and your friendships grow.

Life Application:

How would you describe the communication in your current relationships?
How do you respond when people offer you feedback, input, or even criticism?
Do you see your friend’s feedback as a gift? Why or why not?

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